The return of the packet aka deathwish

I think I'm not so good at this getting feedback stuff.

I think I'm going to write to him and say that I want to alter the process somewhat and see what he thinks.

It sucks. I get so happy when I see that I have a packet, but then when I read it, I wish I hadn't opened it. I tell myself now that I won't open the next one. I'll just keep writing and let things go the way they go. I get derailed every time I read one of the packets, when it's such an unnatural process for me. It's just not the way I write. That chapter that I got such good feedback out of, would never have gotten me such good feedback if I hadn't written it in layers, in my own time. Ideas come to me in dreams, slowly and, bit by bit, I weave them in. I don't know if that will happen if I try to force it in this way. I think this process may wreck everything.

Second packet in

I sent my second packet to P.F. on Tuesday. I almost used regular priority mail but at the last minute, I chickened out and paid for three day FedEx. I don't know what to say about it except that I'm afraid to say anything after last time. We'll see what he says.

I do find it frustrating that all the feedback comes at once and I can't get more immediate feedback. I like to ask a lot of questions when I write. I plague Marc with questions about my work. Can you just read this part? What do you think of this? Is tetrahedron the word that I want? Why can't I use limned like that? What do you mean by that remark?

Obviously, I would never expect to ask all those questions of my advisor, but I would like to talk about bigger ideas before doing the actual writing.

I just checked fedex.com to see if the package had been delivered yet and it isn't even on the truck. It's been sitting at the storage facility in Great Falls since Wednesday night. This does not make me happy. I guess I'll look at it when I get home and if it's not arrived yet or isn't out for delivery, I'll email everything to him. If FedEx lets me down on this, I'm going to stop using them. But, I think it's guaranteed to get there by 7 pm which is 9 pm here. So I should try not to panic too soon.

Ready! Set! Stay awake for four days...

My next packet has to be in by August 17th. That's a week from today. However, it has to arrive there on the 17th (or earlier) by mail, so take away at least one of those days, preferably two or three. I'm staying home today and maybe Monday if I don't finish everything this weekend. Even though I have been working consistently on everything and have gotten a lot done, it still seems like it comes down to cramming at the end.

I have only written half of a commentary or notes for one anyway. I've finished two and a half books. The third book is taking forever to read for some reason. I think the type in it is smaller than in previous ones so there's actually more to read.

I finished my revisions yesterday on the chapter I sent Pete last time. I had worked on them before and set them aside, so in a few minutes yesterday I gave them a final going over. There still might be one or two slightly rough spots, but I don't think it's terrible. It certainly is better than last time. I am halfway or maybe a little more through with next chapter.

Ideally, I would mail the packet on Tuesday at the latest. So can I get it done without staying awake for four days? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One-two-three. Crunch. Three. :)

Discoveries

I am finding the writing of reading commentaries a helpful process. Each time I've written one, I've figured out things about the text that I hadn't noticed, even during a thoughtful reading. In fact, I've started to mistrust my initial reaction to any text, whether my own writing or someone else's.

I've been working today on my commentary for Tahar Ben Jelloun's The Sacred Night. I finished reading it last week and wasn't sure what to write about it. I found something that happened about a third of the way through the book fairly disturbing and I had not been able to reconcile this event with the rest of the book. I found myself questioning the way this particular event was handled because the author is a man and the first person protagonist is a woman--a young woman at that particular point in the story. The particular event I to which I refer is a rape. I felt that the writer didn't handle the emotions of the narrator well. But in retrospect, I realize that the rape was more than just a rape. It served several purposes. I also came to believe today that this character is actually a representation of woman in the North African culture at the time in which the novel is set. All the difficult events that occur in her life represent the various ways in which women were and are treated in that culture (and to a lesser extent) in our own culture.

It was only in thinking about the book for several days, reading about the author and his life and other works, and then trying to write about the story that all the separate realizations and bits of information coalesced into a larger, more meaningful whole. It's kind of exciting. Now I just have to work on the form a little.

In addition, I just went back to Pete's email in which he sent me some sample reading commentaries that he thought were good. Rereading his email after getting over my initial reaction to his critique of my work (which was not wrong--it just worried me), I realize that his email response to my question was much more clear and positive than I had originally made it out to be. If I had quoted it before without looking back, I know I would have worded it quite differently. This was a pretty big discovery for me. I really have to remind myself that I tend to project my own lack of confidence in my work into other people's comments. As I've said all along, he couldn't have been nicer, but now I realize, he was even NICER than I perceived him as being. Nuff said, except... I'm a moron. But there is a cure for that involving going to Lourdes or something, probably.